Book Report: You Suck at Drinking
We don’t know if your “drinking life” has the same trajectory, but here’s ours:
Step 1: Drink whatever you can take from your parents’ liquor cabinet without them noticing. Mmm… Frangelico.
Step 2: Graduate to Smirnoff Ice. OMG, it doesn’t even taste like alcohol!
Step 3: The college years: Jack and Cokes, Jager shots, Whiskey Sours. Oh, and Goldschlagger. Lots of Goldschlagger. There’s gold in it? How chic!
Step 4: “Adulthood.” Martinis, Malbecs, Manhattans.
While our palates have gotten more refined, there’s still some mystery surrounding the imbibing game: What’s the appropriate amount to drink at a work event? Can I drink at a two-year-old’s birthday? What should I drink on a first date, and how much? What drinks are appropriate at brunch? In the afternoon?
Matthew Latkiewicz’s You Suck at Drinking is a funny, in your face, guide to drinking etiquette that’s also chocked full of educational info for when you’re the person making the drinks.
Here’s a couple things we learned:
When to Shake and When to Stir:
• Shake when non-alcoholic ingredients have different consistencies, and need help mixing: citrus, cream, eggs.
• Stir when dealing with a drink that’s all alcohol.
• Build (pour one ingredient on top of the other) when using soda, because shaking soda is not a good idea.
• Perhaps the most helpful tip? Stop, drop, and roll when your ingredients are on fire.
How to Drink at a Wedding When You’re in the Wedding Party:
• Rehearsal Dinner: Two or three glasses of champagne.
• While Getting Ready: One glass of champagne, only if the bride or groom has one.
• During Ceremony: None. Really, guys. You’re being watched.
• Reception: A glass of wine with dinner, then one cocktail of choice per hour. Alternate with waters.
What to Drink When:
• 9 am to Noon: Fizzy cocktails
• Noon to 3 pm: Wine, gin martini, beer
• 6 pm to 9 pm: Boozy cocktails
• 3 am to 6am: Water. Good point, Matthew.
We guess, like with all other skills, practice makes perfect.
